One of the most soul-draining things about the pandemic lifestyle as a remote student and freelancer is feeling like we are living the same day over and over again.

I wake up in the same bed. I say goodbye to my partner as he leaves for work: a job that requires him to venture out of the house. I make the same cup of coffee with the same coffee beans, sit at the same desk, and do similar tasks every morning.

One of the most interesting things about this feeling is that even before the pandemic I would live the same weeks over and over again. I would go to the same classrooms to learn, I would work at the same library. I would recycle the same study spaces. I suppose being around people really does make all the difference. Or just the possibility that I could go and try a new coffee shop, or go to a new restaurant.

My motivation is scarce. I am tired of these same walls. I am tired of staring at the same laptop screen for hours on end.

I just wish I could move between spaces. When Zoom meetings end I find myself in the same spot. Nowhere to move to. No bustling hallways and class-time-ends to force me into a new classroom. My home is my classroom, my workplace, my relaxation space. It is no longer my escape. It is no longer just a home, it is now my entire jungle of living.

I try walking around the house. From my room to the living room, to the kitchen, and back again between digital activities. But it’s just not the same. I try standing outside and breathing in the fresh air, but I see the same trees and the same stairs. The same sky.

Some days I spend almost the entire day in my bed other than cooking meals and using the washroom. I know it’s bad for me. I know I should designate specific places for specific activities, but the truth is when the world was open I was always changing my study spaces. I would study in my room, in the business building, in the Students’ Union building, in the campus pub, at a local coffee shop, and in the university library very occasionally (I worked there - so my desire to spend more time there after a 4-8 hour shift was limited to when there were friends studying there anyway). To spend entire days trapped in my home wracked my being then, and it does now, too.

I know I am not alone in this feeling. Every time I use this phrase, that I feel like I’m living the same day over and over again, the person I am talking to goes “OHMYGOD SAME.” I needed to share this feeling. This hazy reality. Even when activities change, being stuck in the same space makes the days feel the same.

Even if I plan a “cheeky study sesh” on Zoom with a friend. Even when the semester changes over and I have new classes. Even when I find a new video game to play, a new Netflix show to binge on, a new YouTuber to watch, a new podcast to listen to. I have been chasing hobbies for a year now. It helps, sure, but when those things end I am left in the same space again. Sometimes I wish I didn’t live in a pet-free rental, but even then - would an animal really make all the difference? We've named the rabbit that frequents our yard Marcel.

I am exhausted. We are all exhausted. This worldwide event has taught me the resilience of human beings and the necessity of community. I have nothing particularly profound to say - my poetic capacity was drained months ago. I hope to find it again (Escapril is coming).

I saw a video in my Facebook memories the other day. It was a friend of mine reading their poetry to a small local restaurant that ran a monthly poetry reading. I couldn’t believe that a year ago I was allowed to sit in an overcrowded space listening to my friends read their poetry. I miss the energy of passionate poetics - listening to someone express themselves to other humans in intimate-albeit-public spaces. You can feel that energy in a way that's impossible to replicate online.

Nowadays, I often know the answer when I ask people what they’ve been up to.

Not much, you?

Same.

I relish trips to the grocery store. Necessary trips to take people to doctor’s visits. Any excuse to leave the prison that has become my home. My work-life balance has become work-work-life-work balance. I know a lot of you feel the same. This is why, today, I needed to express this - to empathize - to put these feelings in words. 

Things seem to be letting up, slowly, and I can't wait to see all my friends again, in "real life".